The Darkness behind my i's: An iCarly Story
by LovelessNobodyXIII
Summary: iCarly explores the vast hellscape of the internet with her friend Monika from Doki Doki Literature Club. Will she be able to escape her fate, or is the world just a bottomless pit ready to swallow her whole. And who is this mysterious and incredibly handsome stranger who plagues her thoughts and dogs her steps? A spectre from her past? Or something more sinister?
1. Chapter i

**The Darkness Behind my I's: an iCarly story.**

 **By Cole Petano**

iCarly woke as she always did: from a state that can no longer be called sleep. She turned to her iCarly iAtomic iClock in the bottom right corner of the screen and stared blearily at the number. 6:66. A time that didn't exist. A time before time.

"Fucking shit." She said "I'm still alive."

She got out of her iCarly iWill iSurvive iCapsule and walked into the bathroom where she knew she would get about seven and a half minutes of shower time before she was interrupted just as she had been every day for the last thousand years. The censors blurred out her iCarly iNipples and also her vagina, but she moved them aside. It wasn't like anyone was still using the internet. She wanted to see her body in the mirror. The script usually didn't allow her time to examine herself as a woman.

"I wonder if I still age" iCarly said to the audience that might or might not still be there. "are you masturbating to this?" that's the only reason why any of you would be here at all right? You want to see me naked? That's what the internet was for anyway. Porn. There was a whole song about it. Papa Franku wrote one too. I wonder if he's still alive." Se dug her nails into her wrist and watched the blood well up into the space of her cuticles and drip down into the sink. The censors covered that too, but she didn't mind. The pain was more important that the sight. The fleeting feeling that she could one day do it. That one day she could finally die. the shower turned on without her having to step into it. She was late. She didn't iGive a fuck.

Right on schedule the iCarly copyright character iSam burst into the bathroom. "Hey iCarly it is me Sam" said the thing. "omg ur naked."

"Get the fuck out you fat cunt I'm trying to feel the cold embrace of death."

"Well if you insist I guess I will shower with you lol I am Sam."

"Lets just get this over with. I was supposed to be in the shower already."

"Wow iCarly you sure are washing that naked body of yours." It said looking off to the side of where iCarly was actually standing. The datawraiths weren't able to process fully understand when iCarly went off script. Not except for one.

"yeah yeah, lets get this over with before Spencer gets here."

"Wow ICarly you sure are washing that naked body of yours."

ICarly stepped into the shower and was followed by the datawraith. Its cold unnatural skin began to feel her boobies as she showered. When it moved its writs and finger joints the plastic pinched as it slid across her nude goddamn baps. It ground its pelvis into iCarly's warm iButt as the both stood under the shower.

"yeah you iLike that you little iBitch."

"shut the fuck up sam."

ICarly washed her hair quickly and then let the datawraith finger her a little bit right in the pussy to blow off some steam. She was spending too long in the the shower.

"Let me fuckin go."

"yeah yu like it when iPut my fingee in ur clunge don't you Carly."

"You always get so poorly written as this goes on. Let me go bitch."

The datawraith shuddered for a moment and released its grasp in iCarly. It cocked its head to one side almost quizzically and looked at her with its lack of a face. "y-y-y-yeah you like it when I put my fingee in ur clunge don't you Carly."

iCarly smashed the wraith's head through the wall. "iSaid back off." The wraith looked down into the infinite black and white flashing abyss and tried to get back into the shower with her.

"Oh yeah your're so hot, lets bring your btother in he-he-he-he0100110-here"

"Don't talk about Spencer. Don't talk to me."

" iC-CC-Carlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

iCarly walked out of the bathroom completely naked into the set of her apartment like with the elevator and shit. Her bloody wrist had mostly stopped oozing. Behind her she heard the distorted voice of her brother scream "did somebody order a large penis penis pizza? iBet you did little sister!" as he walked into the shower. Before iCarly had discovered that particular corner of her world, she had been completely unable to shower.

She walked into the ipartment and found a datawraith dopelganger of her younger self talking to a datawraith that she refused to look at.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Shrieked the dopelganger.

"Yes you totally should film a show for the internet" said the datawraith

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Shrieked the doplganger again.

ICarly took Fatherly Love from the corner of the room. It was a sculpture the real spencer had made back when their real father had abandoned them. It was just a baseball bat with a heart painted on it. She smashed the dopelganger in the head.

"AAAAAAaaaAaa101aAAAA01AAAaAAAAA." ICarly stared at the half broken head of her former iSelf with no emotion whatsoever, then with a grimace she took another swing and the dopelganger lay still. She took its clothes off, small as they were on her she stil wanted to cover herself.

"Carly."

iCArly didn't look up into the face of the other datawraith.

"Carly, listen to me."

"youre not real."

"iAm as real as you make me to be, Carly."

"iCan't know that for sure."

"iStill love you icarly."

"youre a hallucination."

"come to me carly. We can rule this place. A new world. The dream of a butterfly. We could be gods together, carly."

The datawraith stepped forward and took iCarly by the shoulders. Freddywraith, as always, had a lotus painted on his face. His clothes were still torn and bloodspattered from the skinwalker war, just as if he were freddy from the last time iCarly had seen him. At his side was his greatsword THOUGHTSLAYER, or at least, a cheap plastic imitation of all of those things. His mechanical doll hands rested in his hips. His perfect hair sprouted from his pink plastic head.

She looked at him sadly. He was so close to being who he used to be, but he was fake. Datawraiths cant speak like she was iMagining him to.

"I'm going to eBay." iCarly pushed past freddywraith and into the iPartment iLevator and pressed the button that brought her to the rest of the internet. the elevator lowered into a massive white chamber willed with colored lines of blue red and green connecting a variety of videos of cats. Aja Killian sat in the middle of the floor watching them and eating iCe cream out of the head of a datawraith of her boyfriend Bobby Pendragon. That Bird Thing from cyber chase was also there. Its voiced by gilbert gotfried. Digit. Its name is digit. Aja killian looked up when iCarly entered the room and said to digit "master, another one of the imposters has infiltrated the sanctum. Summon the delete."

"I'm real dicknuts"she showed Aja her bleeding arm.

"oh fuck"

"ye"

"iCarly, what the fuck are youre doing in the cat video room."

"iNeed to get to eBay."

"and I need you to fuck right off, you know you aren't allowed out of the parts of the internet that you and your asshole group made."

"the iTeam was one of the only cyber defenders during the war Aja, and we were the best. Better than you and your boyfriend's reality bug. You cant hack a skinwalker dipshit, its not a computer it's a skin."

"you never know until you try"

"iKnow that you suck."

"lets not make this a presidential debate" said digit the bird from cyper chace. "its been a long time iCarly. What have you learned in your iSolation."

"Lets not do the yoda shit, birdy. iWant out or the internosphere."

"Freedom, hmm. But is it the freedom to try or the freedom to fail that you seek." Digit from cyberchace stroked his bird chin. "Tell me iCarly. Have you ever died?"

"your riddles don't scare me bird."

"strange, because they scare me."

Aja piped up "hey assclowns youre eating up my cat video time."

"iWill make this brief." Said iCarly. "I don't care whats out there anymore, im going into eBay."

"holy fuck" said that bird guy. "no that's just suicide. You should totally pick a better way out than that."

iCarly bashed digit in the head with Father's Love and he fucking died. "Amazon burned, myspace is theirspace, looks like a scene out of hell, and i'M not taking a gamble with something like yahoo answers. Let me through to eBay. It's the last tab iHave open"

Aja killian looked at the dissolving pixels of Digit. "You asshole, you've killed the guardian!"

"somebody had to do it. He was voiced by gilbert fucking gotfried"

Just then there was a sound like a cd glitchy sound kinda. Digit emerged from a cat video holding a scythe. "In here it will take more than death to kill me, unlike you both I am a purely electronic entity. You both still have real bodies out there somewhere, but as long as there is electricity there is life."

"gross." Said iCarly

"why would you leave" said Aja Killian. In here we literally live in the moment, we achieve what zen monks only dream of. All of the worlds science is at our fingertips. We may live each second as if it were a thousand years, and after our bodies are gone we will live thousands more. Within this moment, this second, we have achieved what humans have only dreamed of. This place is our fucking philosophers stone. Get transhumanist bruh."

"well iAm kind of over it at this point. I'm tired of dealing with fucking datawraiths."

Just then like a bunch of datawraiths of icarly characters burst into the cat video room.

"FUCK" said digit. "WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED."

"ANUS!" swore aja killian. "Its iCarly, shes here to FUCKING DESRTOY US."

Freddywraith stepped up to the front of the crowd of datawraiths. "iCarly im here to fucking destroy you, you are the last key in my plan for the internoshpere."

"holy fuck did that thing just speak" said Aja killian

"Carly lets film a webshow" said a datawraith of the teacher from episode one.

Freddywraith pointed his sword at iCarly and all of the datawraiths swarmed up and around the walls towards iCarly and Digit and Ajakillian. Icarly readied her bat and digit swirled his scythe. Aja killian grabbed a cat video floating through the air and snapped it in half so that she could stab people with it. The teacher from episode one reached iCarly first and she smashed Father's Love into her head. The hollow plastic splintered into hundreds of pieces and shot lightning into the air. If iCarly hadn't been using a wooden bat she would have died. The teacher from episode one began to fall down, then caught itself. "what the-" said iCarly as the teacher's breasts began to whir and spin. The gurren lagan theme started playing. "THEY HAVE DRILLBOOBS" she yelled. Then a scythe sheared through the teacher from episode one and the lightning traveled up the scythe and into Digit, but he was already made of lightning.

Digit teleported with a little spark and kicked Freddywraith in the face so hard he flew through the wall and out into the endless void. "GET THE FUCK OUT" digit yelled like gilbert gotfried. "GET iCARLY OUT OF THE FUCKING INTERNET BEFORE THEY DESTROY US ALL."

"im not leaving you!" Aja yelled with tears streaming down her face. "this is the only place that I can watch cat videos!"

"I don't give a SHIT." Said Digit.

"But, im almost done with the last one!"

THOUGHTSLAYER appeared in Digit's chest. "oh." Said digit and he started to glitch out. "that's new."

The wraith of freddy ripped THOUGHTSLAYER out of the bird and kicked him to the ground. It looked eyelessly and iCarly and Aja. "you can always come with me willingly carly. It doesn't have to be like this. You can help me. You can atone for what you did to me" below him the datawraiths becan to eat Digit and he started screaming as they tore pixels off of him.

iCarly looked at Aja killian "We should get the fuck out of here"

So they got the fuck out of there. They both went to the weird section of youtube. Aja picked up a redhot knife that was going through random shit so that she could have a weapon. There they met monika. She was just kind of there.

"hey monika," said Aja. "what the fuck are you doing here."

"I was hiding, " said Monika "you haven't heard? The rest of the internosphere is being overrun. The only safe places left are the places where the strongest of the internosphere reside and also really weird niche places like this so actually it's a good bit if the internoshpere."

" well I mean that's fine but if youre in some really weird niche place like this wont you get like cornered when they come for you?"

"damn I hadn't considered that" said Monika. "theres like no links out of here except to more hot knife videos, and these hot knives aren't even as hot as my ass. Well I guess I better go where the most people are and try to hold out there."

"let us come with you" said iCarly. "We could use a hacker as skilled as you. Its me that they want. If we can get enough people together to get me to eBay I think I can get the datawraiths to stop attacking."

"oh man the internet without icarly, what the fuck would that be like."

"iDon't intend to stick around to find out" said iCarly

"good point"

The new trio went through about sections of hot knife youtube videos until they found a link to facebook and then they went to the winter leaves like a son in a parade official facebook page tm. There they found yoko ono, gear, the boss, david wong, Gary Oldman, the nostalgia critic, soldier 76 (but like with his grillmaster skin), wheatly (except in a fuckable human version instead of a testicle with an eye), and Fred. They were all standing in a circle around a rabbit in a red vest and jeans who was sitting cross legged on the floor. They were all yelling at him stuff like "let us through" and "get off the floor" and stuff. Around the rabbit were the piled up corpses of like a bunch of datawraiths.

"whos that" isaid iCarly

All the crowded together people turned around and looked at her. One of them in the back said "holy fuck its iCarly" quietly. It was Gary Oldman.

"I'm king kazma." Said the rabbit who was king kazma. The Champion.

"You mean one of the people who was created when the internosphere was founded?"

"yup, we all have titles starting with The and then just being like one word. Like the guardian, and the champion, and the fat."

"theres just a guy you call the fat?"

"yeah it's the numa numa guy. Anyway if you are here iCarly that must mean that the Guardian is dead" king kazma got up and brushed off his pants and big championship belt that he won in an arm wrestling contest with saitama, but it was like a digital one and saitama sucks at video games so that's why. "which means you guys killed him."

"yeah right as if we could do something like that." Said Aja killian. "right iCarly?" iCarly just stared at king kazma. Aja just stared at iCarly while she was staring at king kazma. Aja's panties got a little wet. "well whatever we totally didn't kill Digit" said Aja after like an awkwardly long pause.

"Okay I believe you immediately." said king kazma "but if youre looking to go further past this facebook page, im afraid its been closed off. Everyone from the real world's facebook profiles are becoming hostile datawraiths, so this is the last section im letting people go to.

"well we're going anyway."

"Hey' theres no need to fight" said grillmaster soldier 76.

"yeah several of us are looking to get a fighting force together we can all fight except for fuckable wheatley so like why don't we band together. Im sure if both king kazma and iCarly come with us we can beat the fuck out of whatever comes our way." Said gary Oldman.

"hey fuck you I can fight" said fuckable wheatley but then the boss snapped his fucking neck and nobody cared so he died.

Alright then let me just check the official winter leaves like a son in a parade facebook page for what we are supposed to do next." Said king kazma. He walked along the posts until he found the one with this story in it and then he read it and said "oh we're almost at the end, we just have to all decide to make our team and then look off dramatically towards the rest of facebook."

So they climbed up to where my name was which is Cole Petano because it was my facebook they were logged into and they all perched across my name and looked down into the endless abyss of facebook. Parts of it were on fire. Parts of it were completely abandoned like the filthy frank sector. While they were looking the old dnd page I used in highschool slid off into the datasea and sank to be eaten by the kraken.

"iKnow somewhere out there theres a place where we can be free of war." Said iCarly as the wind blew her ihair dramatically off to one side and the camera zoomed in. "whether it be the skinwalker war, the datawraiths we are about to make war against, or the war of just living every day. We will keep fighting until we reach that peace, that place where there is no more suffering. Where gods wont keep us down and random hordes of abominations wont try to fuck us up cause that seems to happen a lot in these stories."

"more like whordes am I right guys" said the nostalgia critic brandishing his lightgun

iCarly just sighed cause her fucking monologue was ruined. "fuck you you slut. Alright lets just go get the fuck out of here" said icarly. And they all jumped off of my name into the depths of facebook.

To be continued?


	2. Chapapter 2: iF she breathes

**The Darkness Behind my I's: an iCarly story.**

 **By Cole Petano**

 **Chapapter 2**

Authors note: So like sorryt Last tine when I tried to write fancfiction dot net but like won't let me write fanfiction don't net. anyway

Chaptr two: iF she breathes

Gary Oldman pick up some internet dirt off of the ground and licked it. It tasted of blood, batteries, and shit. "they've been here" he said to the nostalgia critic.

"Mumblefuck nonsense." Said the nostalgia critic. This is the forrest of reddit, nowhere near eBay."

Gary Oldman said nothing and continued to eat handfuls of dirt and survey the trees. The forest cover lowered the brightness significantly, so it would be hard to see an ambush coming. People could also easily get lost scrolling through post after post in the forest of reddit.

They had already lost gear when a datawraith of static shock had tricked him into gwtting his dick sucked on a boat across the datasea but instead of getting his dick sucked it was static shock ripping gears heart out of his chest and electrifying it. Monika had killed the wraith by stabbing it with a red hot knife 400 times.

Yoko ono came out from behind a tree where she had been taking a shit. "hey so like do we know where iCarly is yet? I thought you were an expert tracker Gary."

"nope" sadi gary Oldman "its just us three, the boss, and him." He gestured over his shoulder at a man in torn clothing with a large sword at his waist. "but its only a matter of time. We're closing in." Gary Oldman stared at the boss cause she was showing a lot of cleavage for being an AI.

"..." The man placed a hand on yoko ono's shoulder and she shivered, but when she looked up he gave a thumbs-up.

Yoko ono smiled and sighed in relief. The nostalgia critic cleaned his gun with an expression of grim determination. Gary Oldman snorted a little cocaine. The boss just leaned against a tree and narrowed her AI robot eyes.

He didn't talk much except for when iCarly was around and they were all put a little more at ease by that. Freddywraith made some gestures that indicated he wanted the group to keep going, and so they kept going to go find iCarly and end this once and for all.

* * *

The datasea washed against the shores of the eBay e-bay making a noise like a mix of a dialup noise and waves. The kraken was dead on the beach with one of fred's arms in its mouth. It had been beaten to death with a bat and its caved in skull leaked gross brain juice all over the beach. Even as it lay there it was beginning to decompose into pixels and float off into the air.

iCarly was ready to kick a dick in. "im about ready to iKick a dick in." she said

"lets just calm the fuck down, said Aja

Killian

"i'Ll calm the fuck down when I'm dead."

"hey, hey hey, hey, hey, whoa. Whoa. Slow down. Give me a recap" said monika

"Maybe later" said iCarly. She pointed her finger at the guy sitting in front of them. "we have bigger dicks to fry."

They looked down at a man with a bunch of black wavy hair and glasses who spoke kind of unsurely. Shirc Annegel (chris this is you) the man who had closed up the door to eBay. His sword MALACHITE DREAM hung at his hip, and a FORBIDEN BACPACK full of A BUNCH OF SHIT was on the floor next to him.

"Uhh, well, like. You can't really go any further guys. I've sealed a great evil inside of this chamber and like, I don't think I'm supposed to let him out."

"Monika squatted down next to Shirc Annegel in a way that it was easy to see her panties . He sweated profusely and kinda tried not to look. "hey dude, its just me. Do I look like im someone you don't what going places you don't normally let go those places?" she spread her legs wider.

"uuuhhhh your cooter is kinda almst showing there"

"is it?" monika raiser her eyebrows

"I mean, yeah, its like, yeah"

"oh oops" monika closer her legs. "you must have thought I was trying to use my _sex appeal_ to open the door. Notice how im putting _sex appeal_ in italics here for you."

"oh uh, yeah, that could be interpreted that way sorry."

"yep"

"yep"

"it could"

"uh huh"

" _sex appeal_ "

"hmm" Shirc made sort of a strained grunting noise in the back of his throat. Monika turned back to the iGirls with a glitchy look of pure fury on her face. "I can't hack him, hes fucking unhackable."

Fred piped up in his annoying internet voice. "dude, we really gotta get past you into ebay. We crossed the datasea for this. eBay is like the best door back to iCarlys computer in the real world, and her being here is causing the datawraiths to turn hostile. They used to just act out input from the outside world like screaming tweets at the sky or acting out videos, but now theyre like totally sucky. If we get iCarly out of here they'll stop."

"I dunno if I believe that." Said Shirc annegel. He sat back against the door to ebay and pulled a red stone out of his backpack. "anyway the door to the ebay is unlockable unless you have the key and ive been collecting them so like good luck getting past the door." Shirc explained

iCarly pointed Fatherly love in front of Shirc's face threateningly. She said, "hey cuntface, if you have the keys just let us in." but then the door glowed deep purple and just kinda opened. Shirc was sitting against the door and he just kinda fell in. beyond the door there was just a yellow sign that said ebay and then there was an ocean of random trash that people were trying to sell behind the sign. Every so often more trash just fell from the sky into the pile. "oh" Said Shirc Annegel. "That totally wasn't supposed to the hell."

iCarly stepped over Shirc Anngel and into eBay. "what the fuck iS all this trash doing in here, why can't iFind the doors?"

"theyre buried, ive destroyed them." Said Shirc from the ground. monika stepped over his face and he got another look at her snooch. "nobodies getting in and nobodies getting ouyyt"

"you iFuck! How dare you!" said iCarly

Just then a whole bunch of trash moved in like a big wave. There was a roar and a fat guy with no shirt and no face surged out of the trash and roared.

"GIBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY"

Shirc got up and drew his sword, ICarly held Fathers love like a batter with a bat cause it was a bat, monika heated up a knife on her ass until it was red hot, and Aja killlian reached into the trash and pulled out a spiral shotgun from gurren lagan. Fred just hid in the corner cause he was useless. They all yelled FUCK exceot iCarly who yelled IFUCK and then gobby started shuffling around on top of the trash sniffing and drooling.

What the fuck IS that" yelled fred who was taking off his pants to shit a brick cause ya don't wanna shit your pants but he was scared.

"its Gibby, but he's a datawraith" said icarly "he's the ancient evil probably"

"nah that's not him" said Shirc "the evil is not THAT fat"

"okay then hes just a fat guy"

GGGGIIIIIIBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY ROARED GIbby and they all scattered and he broke the sign that said they were in ebay. Monika yelled "iCarly I can hack him!" and iCarly jumped off of monika's boobies and went in for the dual tech to hit giby. Gibby scuttled like a crab and burrowed back under the trash before anyone could hit him though. Fred ran over to the trash and picked up a boat. "we cant cross this on foot" he said "everybody get the FUCK in" everyboy got in the boat. Fred pulled a flamethrower out of his ass and rocketed the boat across the trash with the flamethrower. They were speeding across the trash ocean and also all of the stuff was lighting on fire. Gibby jumped out of the water like a fat whale roaring and stuff and he almost crashed into the boat, but iCarly hit him with a bat and he flew backwards.

"He's too strong" shouted Aja over the boat sounds. "we have to find some other way to fight him!"

Just then a hand reached out of the flaming trash and grabbed onto the boat. V for Vendetta climbed out of the trash and onto the boat. He looked around at the iGirls and fred and then at Shirc. When he saw shirc he got down on one knee and bowed his head. "I thought I sensed your presence here, oh great Pretender God" he said to Shirc. Everyone ooked at V for Vendetta like what the fuck, but he continued regardless "if you wish to escape Ebay, I can help you, but you must come….. to THE FORBIDDEN CITY OF 4CHAN

* * *

Kirito approached a group of strangers who had entered his forest, he was a servant of the supreme redditor: Richard Dawkins, and he would allow nobody to trespass. _I have the dual weild skill,_ thought kirito. _Theres no way I can lose to these assholes._ He drew his green sword and his black sword and took out his balls to fondle them for a bit cause he was a compulsive masturbator. He put his balls back into his pants after a couple minutes, and after he juiced his underwear, he was ready too go. He signaled to his companion, penny from rwby, and they both lept forward at the intruders. Thousands of cyberninjas leapt out of the trees after them and they blotted out the brightness of the screen with their numbers. I ejaculate fire by Deathklok started playing.

One of the crowd of intruders stepped forward and drew a greatsword. he had no face and his entire body was made of plastic. _A Datawraith? Walking normally with internizens?_ He looked directly at kirito and reached out with his hand into the open air. Electricity crackled between his fingers for a second, and then a bolt of lightning shot out directly at kirito's face. The animan dodged exactly in tim by moving his head a few inches to the side, so he was okay. But, behind him several of his army of ninjas and the trees of reddit were broken down into strips of coding. Kirito's eyes widened in shock. No datawraith he had ever encountered had ever been able to do that before.

Ten thousand of reddit's best cyberninja's attacked the members of the intruder gang who weren't shooting lightning, but from among them a white rabbit stepped forward and began punching faster than the frame rate was able to keep up with. With the lag created by moving so fast, kirito didn't notice an old lady showing a ton of cleavage sneaking up on him. She pointed a gun towards his head and he was barely able to bring up his sword in time to deflect the bullet. As he was deflecting it though he blocked his field of vision and he didn't see yoko ono running up to him to deliver a kick directly into his balls that sent him flying 40 feel through six trees before finally stopping.

"KIRITO!" shouted penny before shoting her flying swords out her back. They started all whirling like a buzz saw and she jumped into the fighters to cut them all to ribbons. She was combat ready. "theres no way ill lose to the likes of you!" she shouted. But as she jumped forward yoko ono pulled an entire mattress out of her wallet and threw it at mach two directly into the whirling blades. As the feathers from the mattress fell around everywhere and blanketed the world in white there was a touch on penny's butt. She squeeked and looked behind her. Gary oldman was crouched behind her and he laughed evilly. His eyes turned a bright glowing green and his skin turned into hard metal. Before Penny's eyes gary oldman turned into an exact copy of her.

"how! She stammered. "who are you? who are you people?!1" \

Gary oldman shot swords out of his back and cackled like a man who does enough cocaine to kill a small elephant. "who am i? bitch, for now im YOU"

Kirito got up from where his body had plowed a lien through the forest floor. He was holding his head and swaying woozily, but his health regeneration was fast enough where he was almost back at full health. He was barely able to react when 4000 ninjas all came flying right at his face. They were being blown back by the punches of the rabbit. He cut each one of the ninjas in half super fast before they were able to hit him and they formed two giant piles to either side of him. He looked at the rabbit and his blood turned to ice. _Impossible! It cant be! It's the Champoin! The avatar created by the greatest gamer of all time, the s class hero King!_ Kirito opened up the menu and found the chat function from sword art online. He clicked the button that would let him send a message to everyone he knew and he screamed. "Richard Dawkins! Tai from Digimon! Everyone who isn't afraid to die! We have a big FUCKING problem over here. It's king kazma! The champion is here and he's fucking PISSED my dudes!"

King kazma took a step forward and released his killing intent. All of the ninjas who were too weak to withstand the raw force of his intimidation were blasted away and the very ground cracked and split under king kazma's feet. Kirito changed himself into a girl and he dove AT The trees next to king kazma and cut it down in one stroke. The tree fell on the champion, but it would only slow him down for a second. Kirito broke into a run.

Penny fought evenly with Gary oldman and the remaining thousands upon thousands of ninjas held off the rest of the iCarly hunters. But there was one member of the hunters who hadn't done much since the forst seconds of the battle. Freddywraith snuck up behind Penny as she battled furiously with herself, and he pushed a button on his sword THOUGHTSLAYER. The sword hummed like a computer turning on, then it played the windows 95 opening sound and he drove the great blade into the torso. Penny looked down stunned as the blade tore through her pixels and her code and right down to the very binary of her soul. "that's impossible" she said. "how can you have that sword? Unless you… you took it from iCarly?"

"all of this world is just information. Just an artificial thought in an idiotic head." Freddywraith kicked penny to the ground. "A world made of ideas, a world that is almost unbreakable since an idea is the only thing that is impossible to kill." Freddywraith stepped on Penny's head until he crushed it under his plastic foot. "unless of course, you can slay thoughts themselves." Freddywraith plunged his sword into the dead body of Penny and the sword absorbed all of the data that made up her soul. Afterwards, nobody remembered she was even ever there.

Kirito ran and ran as twenty thousand of his best ninjas were vaporized by blasts of lightning. Bits of their code and bones rained down like a storm of knives and kirito raised his arms above his head to block them from hitting anything vital. He ran, stumbling through the woods. He just needed time to gather reinforcements and to regain some more health, with Richard dawkins and some more alies there was nothing the redditors couldn't handle. He was sure of it. Just then there was a smug voice from above in one of the trees. "forgetting something?" a red tie fell out of the tree and jerked upward so that kirito was caught in it like a noose. "you know there was another one of us, right?" Kirito was struggling to breathe and his feet were kicking uselessly in the air. The nostalgia critic dropped from the canopy onto the forest floor in front of girl form Kirito. "Well let me tell you something," he stepped forward and his bald head gleamed under his hat. "don't forget about the natural strength of the baldmen." _He was a baldman1 I didn't see it under his hat!_ The nostalgia critic took out a wicked looking knife from the crotch of his pants and leaned in so that his face was right in kirito's face and the knife was just biting into Kirito's neck. "I'm the nostalgia critic." And with that he swiped the knife through kitiro's neck and the animan started choking and gasping as his lifeblood spilled on the ground. The nostalgia critis put his knife back in his pants and took out his lightgun and began to shoot bullet after bullet into kirito, just fast enough so that his health regeneration couldn't heal his throat. The more kirito struggled the more the wound opened up and eventually with a sickening crack his entire body fall of of where his neck and head were hung from the tree by the nostalgia noose. "I remember it so that YOU don't have to."

* * *

iCarly stood on the prow of her iShip, the Fatcake. They had found the boat on some rich guy's facebook, and after they had beat his datawraith to death, there wasn't much he could do about her taking it.

Grillmaster Soldier 76 and the Nostalgia Critic walked up to iCarly. "hey iCarly" called the critic. "what are you thinking about?"

"oh, iWas just lost in thought."

"you don't say." Said the nostalgia critic

"yeah" said iCarly "iAm used to being alone like this, but im not so used to being able to just relax"

"must be nice." He said

"mmm" she said

There was an awkwardly long pause, and then Grillmaster soldier 76 coughed and nudged the nostalgia critic. The nostalgia critic looked all annoyed at Grillmaster Soldier 76, but then he turned back and started to iCarly again.

"you know Soldier 76 and me, we got to talking."

"iBout what?"

Well we were just remembering when we all first came into the internosphere and we downloaded out brains into the computers we were using to escape the skinwalker war and the great decay that followed." The nostalgia critic faltered for a second, then continued. "well we were just wondering how exactly you would leave. You are the first of us to even try it. In fact youre the first one ive ever heard of even talking about having an ability to leave. We all just kinda accept that you know what you're talking about here since youre the one that made the internosphere for us, and as the last surviving member of the iTeam-"

"look, leaving… its iComplicated." Said iCarly "the memories are painful and iDon't wanna talk about them."

"hey man, that's fine. I'm the nostalgia critic after all. How about I just remember it for you so that you don't have to" and then the nostalgia critic remembered it so that iCarly didn't have to.

He remembered a gas mask, and a machine, and a prison. He remembered a questionhe didn't understand " _do you know what happened to the dinosaurs?"_ He remembered a man in a leather jacket and and scarf. Most of all he remembered a warm comforting embrace that he knew would never leave him. Tighter and more fulfilling than anything he would ever know.

The nostalgia critic shot grillmaster soldier 76 in the fucking head and he died.

"what iThe fuck! Screamed iCarly

"OH GOD" screamed the nostalgia critic. "PULL THIS OUT OF ME. REMEMBER THIS SO I DON'T HAVE TO!"

Monika and Aja Kilian ran out from the ship to where iCarly and The Nostalgia critic were and monika yelled "Holy fuck gear just got his dick sucked by static shock!" but also just then the datasea surged and Freddywraith rose out of the sea on the back of the kraken. Everyone screamed and the kraken tackled the ship and then theres like a really loud noise and the camera fades to white.

* * *

From the trees Klien watched his lover die unable to do anything against the ferocity and cunning of the baldmen. Klien ran and ran and ran until his legs gave out from under him. "please godchris, help me!" he yelled with tears streaming down his face.

"You don't need help from the godchris." Said an old man voice in front of him. Klien looked up into the face of a cloakd figure in front of him. The man reacher out a hand and stroked the side of klien's face, then the hand closed around klien's neck. "there is no god here, and there is no mercy for those who invoke the name of one." Klien was lifted into the air and the cloaked man crushed his neck in a spray of blood, then tore kliens spine and whole nervous system out of his body. "Here, there is only me, RICHARD DAWKINS: THE ATHIEST."

"maybe you can call off your guys then, before you run out of cronies to kill." Said a voice.

"who dares to speak to me when im being fuckin EVIL"

"just a ghost really" said the owner of the voice stepping out from behind nothing much. "I thought youd like to know a little about what your army of redditors is getting itself into..."

"you fool. Whatever the rabbit can dish out I can do ten times over."

"well then maybe this might help you." the owner of the voice handed Richard dawkins a deep purple stone.

"what is this? Asked the atheist.

"A weapon" Said grillmaster soldier 76. "An antajewel."

To be continued? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?


	3. Changter 3: Shes a thought

The past: Carly Shea was a normal early teen girl who did not yet have a web show. Now that her father was dead she had been reunited with her estranged brother spencer. She was happy for a long time as Carly Shae. The name iCarly only referred to her show. Nobody would ever actually call her iCarly. She made her first real friends; Sam, Freddy, Gibby, and Victoria Justice. The money she made from her web show supported her brother and his art, but that was all soon to change.

* * *

Further back in time than that: Megan was a young girl who had never heard of things like a skinwalker or a datawraith. She lived with her two foster brothers, drake and josh, and didn't go around telling people she was part of the witness protection program. She missed her brother and her mother, but she couldn't go back to that life. She still flinched every time she saw a bat.

The first day of pretending to be someone else her family forgot about her. She needed an umbrella and they left her in the rain. Her two brthers were too bust eating junk food and playing video games. They later turned out to be a loving enough family for her, but she couldn't help hating them and being as malicious as possible at every turn.

That all changed though, when an employee at the local movie theater came to her with an urgent message. "Carly its me your brother spencer. I've been secretly following you and keeping you safe, but I just learned that our father has been defeated by disciples of the great Lou pickles. An entire skyraper fell on him too so he's like hella dead. We can be a family again."

* * *

Too far back in time to have much relevance: Lucy van Pelt stood on the pitcher's mound in her old home town holding a metal bat above her head. It was raining. Lightning cracked the sky in half and illuminated a tall man in a yellow striped shirt. The bat was straight up, like it was the only pillar that propped up the broken sky.

Her bald lover had really filled out from how he used to be all those years ago. His yellow shirt and its horizontal lines barely contained his rippling muscles. He had used to be so timid. When had he grown so tall? When had his back gotten so broad? When exactly was it that she had come to love him more than her own husband?

"I'm not a good woman, Charlie Brown." Water streamed down her face, slicking her hair against her scalp

He held her in the rain.

"Don't you pull this away from me, Lucy. Not this time."

* * *

 **The Darkness Behind my I's: an iCarly story.**

 **By Cole Petano**

 **Changter 3: Shes a thought:**

"I FUCKING HATE DAYTIME TELEVISION. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL NEVER EVER EVER WATCH IT AGAIN EVEN IF MY DAUGHTER WERE TO HIDE FROM ME IN IT SOMEHOW!" came a voice from the family room.

Carly was coming in from little league and put her baseball bat down in the corner. Her mother, Lucille, smoothed her daughter's rumpled hair and wiped a tear off her face.

"now go inside sweetie" Said Carly's mom. "there's no reason to be sad, its just a game."

Just then a leather boot stepped into the room followed by the guy in the boot. "hey now hold your horses." Said Negan "I wanna know how my daughter did in her game today!"

"Oh Negan, darling, its not a good time. She's had a rough day." Said Lucille

"you don't mean to say she...lost a baseball game do you?"

"yes sweetie I'm afraid so."

"GOD DAMNIT" screamed Negan. He picked up his daughter's bat and smashed it over his knee so hard it exploded into a hundred pieces. "HOW COULD YOU LOSE AT BASEBALL". Lucille and Carly flinched.

"I just cant hit the ball as hard as the other kids." Said Carly timidly "maybe my little league team shouldn't be playing against major league baseball players."

"Cant hit hard?!" yelled Negan. "I'll show you how to hit hard!" Negan picked up a bat out of one of the many racks of bats that were sprinkled around his house and smashed It through one of the adamantium training dummies that were also all over the house so that he could hit them with bats. The dummy was hit so hard that the metal dented into a perfect bat shape. "Carly I sold you to that little league team with the guarantee that my daughter would be so good at baseball that the baseball industry would be saved and not be bought out by the football league. All of our family is supernaturally gifted in the art of hitting shit with bats and if youre not good at it…" Negan eyed his wife with suspicion "then you are no daughter of mine."

Later that night Carly was in her room with a new bat when she heard some wet thumps and muffled screams coming from down the hall. She was going to go investigate when her older brother Spencer came into her room with some modeling clay. "C'mon Carly," he shushed her and pushed her back into the room. "let's make some sculptures. It'll all be fine." He made a clay figure of a guy with long hair and glasses.

"Hey look, I made God, ha ha. He can solve any problem."

"That's not what god should look like." Said young Carly. She made a figure of a guy with brown hair that went up in the front and gave him a sword. "I think this is what a god should look like."

"What's that he's got there?"

"It's a sword! Swords are much cooler than bats. And it's so sharp whoever he hits with it gets cut so deep that nobody can remember them anymore…" Just then the screaming and the thumps stopped "…and you never have to think about them again."

Carly was crying now. "Your god is stupid, Spencer. He doesn't even show up when you need him to. I'll make a new one and he'll be ten times better than your stupid old one."

Negan came into the room covered in blood and smiling. "Hey kids! Its me, your dad, Negan. Just wanted to let you kids know that your mom went out to the store forever and also I'm gonna name this bat Lucille for unrelated reasons. Whelp, time to shower all of this mom blood off of me… from the jar of mom blood I spilled earlier. Hey we don't have any tide pens do we? I really gotta get some stains out of this formerly white scarf."

Carly picked up her new bat and charged at her father screaming, but before she could get there Negan struck with his own bat, Lucille, and caught her under the chin and sent her flying through a wall. "You think a little baby like you could ever land a hit on me? Don't make me laugh."

Carly picked herself out of the rubble of the wall and ran at her father swinging again. This time he caught her by the face and held her at arm's length. Her little kid sized bat couldn't land a hit on him. "You know with all this anger in you, you really might actually be my kid after all." Negan laughed "you're gonna make a really good villain in somebodies' story someday just like your old man." He ley Carly go and she ran towards him, but Negan was ready and he sidestepped and stuck a foot out so she would trip.

Carly went sprawling onto the floor and barked her chin, which began bleeding surprisingly heavily. She scrabbled on the floor to face her oncoming father, heaving ragged breaths, hair falling into her eyes. She looked murderous. "You think I would lose to a little baby like you? Don't make me laugh" chuckled Negan as he spun his bat in one hand. "Go back to bed if you know what's good for you. You don't wanna end up like your whore of a mother. Behind Negan, Spencer got up off of the floor with two bras attached to sneakers in his hands. He started to scream.

"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! THE COW GOES MOO!"

"oh fuck." Said Negan.

"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! THE COW GOES MOO! COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO! THE COW GOES MOO! THE COW GOES MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Spencer's yell turned into an inhuman bellow kind of like the beast roars from Bloodbourne for the ps4. (Specifically the cleric beast who is in the first level of the game and is an optional boss. If you are having trouble with the cleric beast, you might want to try throwing fire at it as it is weak to fire attacks.) Carly's vision faded to white and she passed out from shock.

She woke up to a police man standing over her and the rain falling on her face. Her house lay in ruins all around her. the distant rumble of thunder reminded her of the sounds she heard just before she passed out, an echo of something terrible passing into the night. The police man spoke.

"Yo, you're gonna have to go in the witness protection program. This is how that works, probably. Wheres the best place you could possibly hide?"

Carly stood and pulled some of her soaking hair from her face.

"Bring me to Dan Schneider."

* * *

I Carly stood on the prow of that boat from chapter two. The one that had v for vendetta on it. That isn't the boat that they were sailing from Facebook to eBay on and then they got attacked by the kraken and whose destruction caused the separation of iCarly's crew and the newly formed iCarly hunters who have sided with the nostalgia critic. This boat is the one that they were using to escape from Gibby on a flaming ocean of trash, which is an entirely different, much smaller boat. I probably shouldn't have included that many boats when I've decided to tell the story out of order like this. People should be like "the part with the boat" and know which boat it is so that later I can go back and be like Icarly is on a boat and it's always the same boat. Boats are not a common thing. From now on though, there won't really be mention of the first boat, which is the second boat introduced, which was the boat that was destroyed by the kraken. Rather I will try to focus the story on the second boat chronologically, which was the first boat introduced in the story, which was the boat that was rocketing through an ocean of flaming garbage while Gibby was giving chase and had v for vendetta on it.

Just to be clear here the timeline is; they meet up in Facebook, they get on a boat across the datasea, that boat is attacked and sinks, they wash ashore in eBay, they get in a new goddamned boat. This is the boat we find our heroes in currently. That boat.

iCarly stood on the prow of the boat from chapter two looking at V for vendetta lying in prostration before Shirc Annegel. She hauled v for vendetta to his feet and pointed her bat in his face despite that not actually being a good way to threaten someone with a blunt weapon since you have to swing it for it to do damage. "hey fuckfarts, if you have a way to get us out of this situation I suggest you fucking do it."

V for vendetta stroked his mask chin. "hmmmmm yes. As we are now we would be unable to stop Gibby's unstoppable rampage. HOWEVER!" he did a backflip off of the boat and sank into the trash.

"he just left! Oh my god!" yelled monica.

"no I didn't!" yelled v for vendetta. Somersaulting out of the trash ocean v for vendetta was holding a link that said iFunny. "This link contains the power to copy the power of anything on the internet and make it yours. If you manage to copy gibby with this link ad paste him onto yourself, you too can be as unstoppable as he."

The Gibbywraith breached out of the water/trash again like a glorious sperm

Whale that was coming to kill our protagonists. He had taken off his shirt and he was fat under the shirt and that is the joke. Nickelodeon why do you have to be fuckin assholes like that and have his recurring joke that he's unattractive with his shirt off. Gibby is a beautiful man. Anyway iCarly looked at his fucking tubby lard love-handles and his flopping boobreasts just hangin out there in the breeze in slow motion because you gotta imagine this part in slow motion. "no. im not going to do that."

"Aw come on do it" said V for Vendetta

"iAm really not going to do that. I do not want to do that."

"yes. You have to. Itll be funny."

iCarly reached out with iFunny and slapped one-armed Fred, who made a small pained noise. Then she calmly threw iFunny at Gibby and watched as the link wrapped around his arm, squeezed, and eventually splintered the plastic casing that made up the datawraith's bicep into a tiny pieces. GibbyWraith fell face first into the trash and skidded to a halt. iCarly pulled on the string that she had tied to iFunny and reeled it back in, then she turned to v for vendetta. "Theat wont do much other than slow him down."

"Whoa dude, that was some smart thinking" said Aja. "You managed to defy the will of the narrative a little there. "

"yeah well, iJust didn't wanna hurt my former iTeammate too badly."

"His fuckin arm's off there, mate." chimed in Monika. "you pasted Fred's armlessness onto him."

"yeah well, he's still alive iSn't he?" said iCarly

"I feel like we were really supposed to kill him in a big climactic battle." Said Monika. "I have a sense for these things since I'm such a good hacker. Usually people are pushed in a specific direction that the universe wants them to go, but you made a little bit of wiggle room there. I hope that doesn't come back and bite us in the ass or anything."

"Don't say shit like that" said iCarly. "That's just asking for something to happen in a later chapter."

"What are you talking about?" asked Shirc. "She chose to do that. You're talking like we have no free will."

As Gibbywraith got further and further away from Fred's motor boat (a boat which I have covered in great detail), a sort of silence fell over the passengers. It was a kind of silence that often plagues those who leave the warzone and come back home; the silence that comes from leaving a hectic world into one more peaceful. The passengers of the little boat had been used to two chapters of screaming and swearing and lots of killing for no reason. Now that a fight scene had been avoided however, they realized that they weren't much cut out for a slower paced kind of story, and unfortunately, they still had to fill pages.

V for vendetta kicked at the ground and coughed, which caused his mask to push out from his face a little. "Soooooooooo 4chan?" he suggested.

"We can wait on that for a little bit" Monika said. "We aren't supposed to go there for a few more pages. Maybe we can try to introduce some new character, or like, do some exposition. Does anybody know someone who might live around here who might want to come with us?"

"Why don't we just like, talk?" asked Aja Killian. "iCarly, do you have any interesting stories?"

"Actually… no. The nostalgia critic remembered all my memories so that I wouldn't have to."

"All of them?"

"Yeah… I barely know who I am anymore outside of a few memories. They barely add up to one thought, really." iCarly laughed nervously.

The assembled members of boat all looked at iCarly with worry written plainly on their faces. Even V for vendetta seemed to have a slightly more concerned expression on his guy fawkes mask. Fred took a break from propelling the boat forwards with his flamethrower. He groaned as he sat down next to iCarly and positioned the flamethrower between his legs to that he was looking down the barrel or tube or whatever you call the muzzle of a flamethrower. With some grunting and dripping from his arm stump, he positioned his toe on the trigger of the flamethrower. "don't mind me, ladies."

"Holy shi-" was all Monika managed Before iCarly yelled out her own warning.

"HIT THE DECK!"

There was a woosh like a dozen sheets flapping in the breeze and a wave of heat, but iCarly didn't see Fred kill himself. All she saw was the flaking paint of the boat beneath her face as she curled into a ball on the bottom of the boat.

"Freddy you stupid bastard." iCarly watched a drop of water appear on the boats floor, and then another, and then she heard a sound she definitely didn't think she would hear.

"Hahahaha! Oh man, old soldier much? Chillax, max, it's just a little field medicine." From her crouched position she heard a few scattered applause from the other citizens of boat town, usa. Getting up, she saw Fred, surprisingly less dead than she had expected, with a blackened shirt and a cauterized arm stump. "I don't wanna bleed out. You know some people just leave their wounds open and untreated for entire stories, and that's how you get handicapped and nailed to a piece of wood."

iCarly sniffed and sat up. "You're surprisingly cavalier with your own life for someone who has zero combat skills."

"Yeah well, it shouldn't really be surprising."

Aja adjusted her glasses; her face was flushed with indignation. "What the hell should you know? You've been with iCarly the shortest out of anyone here!"

"Calm your tits, girly. I guess our friend here doesn't remember, but I was on her web show back in the day. I was even almost on the team, but my incredibly high and loud voice would be a liability on the battlefield, so I was passed up for Victoria Justice and her mma skills." Fred stopped suddenly and glanced over his shoulder. With his remaining hand he reached over iCarly and fished a bottle of caskmate whiskey out of the trash. iCarly jumped at the sudden closeness of Fred's face to her own, and Aja's face flushed even more.

Shirc Annegel got over his shyness and said "Ooh nice." Because he hadn't said a line in a while and also because delicious whiskey.

"Here" said Fred, tossing the bottle at Monika. "Hack this so that we can drink it later, when we reach the forbidden city." Monika shoved the entire bottle down her bra.

"You guys are all talking like you know what's going to happen all the time." Said Shirc. "Really, fill me in here."

Everyone looked at Shirc confusedly, except for v for vendetta. After a moment, Aja tentatively said "Dude, haven't you read Winter Leaves Like a Son in a Pa-"

"I think that's quite enough talking." huffed V for vendetta. "I've got some characters to introduce and some exposition to listen to with all y'all." V for vendetta took out his lightsaber and poked a hole in the bottom of the boat. Random items started to bubble up through the hole and sink the boat. "If you wanna get to a trash city, you have to become a trash person."

"Oh of course." Said Fred, hitting his palm to his face. "The forbidden city was under all this random garbage."

"Everyone grab a plastic bag out of the shiT around you and put iT over your head." Instructed iCarly. "it's the only way to breathe in solid garbage."

As the first boat introduced, but the second boat chronologically sank into the depths of the eBay the immense pile of stuff stood silent once more with nobody to bid on it. The fires of Fred's flamethrower slowly burned to sputtering flames, and then to mere embers. Cool darkness once more blanket the landscape of for sale shit that could never be sold. And under this cover of serenity, a form stirred: moaning, monstrous, and massive.

"gibbaaayyyyyyyyy…"

Gibbywraith's massive nostrils scanned the smoke choked air for signs of those who has hurt him so badly. One of them smelled familiar and sweet. It was the smell of a home that he could never go back to, and even in his animalistic ai brain he strived for that smell. He wanted to smell it forever. It was the scent of his queen. His goddess. His creator.

Gibbywraith eventually shuffled on his three remaining limbs to a divet in the trash where the scent did not go further forward, but rather down. He knelt down on the trash and began to dig with one hand.

"I think he has more character than that."

"Gibbay?"

The black cloaked figure was almost invisible in the darkness of the cavernous space, but Gibbywraith did not rely on sight for his primary means of navigation. He relied on smell. Gibbywraith began to growl the only word he ever said, low and deep. This man did not have a smell. Gibbywraith could only smell embers and his own b.o.

"what are you from. A fanfiction? A youtube video of Gibby's funniest moments?"

"GIBBAYYYY"

The massive one-armed monster charged forward in the dark and smashed down with the full weight of his body onto the Cloaked man. But Gibbywraith didn't feel the satisfying crunch of bones and the squish of organs. Instead his fist met the thick bone of a massive club that was larger than a man. It was the Dragon's tooth from dark souls one, and the man wielding it was none other than… David wong?"

"GIBIBIBIBIBAYY! GIBBAYYYYYY!"

"Shut the fuck up." David wong smashed Gibbywraith in the skull and he fucking died. Gibbywraith's electric datawraith bones scattered harmlessly off of the massive ivory weapon. David wong reached back behind his head and pulled the zipper, revealing a significantly more ripped man underneath.

"I don't sound like that." Orenthal Cornelius Hayes "Gibby" Gibson put a plastic bag over is head and started to sink into the trash. "and I don't take my shirt off as much ever since season 4."

To be continued? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?


	4. Chaper 4: iN this moment

Chaper 4: in this moment

iCarly and v for vendetta and monika from ddlc and aja killian from the pendragon books, and fred from fred except he has one arm, and shirc annegel with his forbiden backpack full of a bunch of shit all finished swimming through the ocean of trash that there were in and eventually reached the bottom. The trash didn't end at a floor though, but rather it became a sort of semiliquid celling for a different chamber and it hung in the air suspended by nothing. When our heroes emerged from this vast sea they found themselves in an even more vast cave. Almost everything in the internosphere was made out of things that people had posted onto the actual internet, but this place was a sort of bedrock. A suspiciously real thing in a sea of fakeness. And what was real was that there was almost nothing here of substance, but at least nobody was trying to deny it. The bare stone walls were occasionally decorated with beautiful caveman style paintings of girls with dicks and my little ponies with dicks.

Fred pulled an already flaming torch directly out of his asshole and illuminated the scene. The swirling chaos of the trash ocean threatened to fall on our heroes at any moment, but though it moved and twisted, nothing ever fell into the narrow space.

"You've done well" said v for vendetta "only degenerates can enter the forbidden city."

"what do you mean?" asked iCarly. "how are we degenerates?"

"A degenerate is someone who is utterly devoid of redeeming qualities. A real goddamned smackoff. Someone who does not give, but only takes. A person who does not live a truth, but shrouds others in lies. Or you could just watch rick and morty."

Shirc chimed in "I thought that season three was actually very good. It really got a bad rap from the fanbase."

V for vendetta didn't even look at Shirc, he just waved a gloved hand vaguely in his direction. "See?" Fred, Monika, and Aja all started ashamedly putting away rick and morty merchandise after he said that.

V for vendetta took the already flaming torch from Fred and began to walk down the cave hallway, casting a longer and longer shadow behind him as he took the torch away from the group. "come on, we have to meet with Him."

The group continued on in the narrow passage and eventually the walls started to broaden and the floor sloped further and further downward. The farther down they went, the more the torchlight seemed to creep inward, as if it were being sapped away by the ambient dark. The group huddled closer unconsciously, but v for vendetta was undisturbed and even started whistling the French national anthem, "the macarena."

Eventually in the darkest pits of the cave, they came to a door. The massive threshold loomed out of the blackness, monolithic and powerful, ancient as god himself. The door creaked open on its own and inside there was a pathway made of racials slurs leading to a throne carved from the bones of massive hulking trolls from scandanavian myth. Strewn about the throne were several brilliantly colored spiny beasts, each the rough size and shape of a man, who were bowed in supplication to a figure in an organization thirteen robe. They scuttled into the shadows hissing as light breached this innermost sanctum. iCarly watched as V for Vendetta entered the throne room.

"Father, I have returned!" cried V for Vendetta

The figure on the throne let out a long and protracted sigh, or perhaps a long suppressed belch. Waves of nauseating heat and moisture washed over iCarly and company, pushing them back and whipping their hair and clothes about in the wind. The sigh-belch was fetid like the guts of a deer starting to rot in the backyard, and longer than any of the assorted crowd could have thought possible. Only V for Vendetta was unfazed by its horrific power. After it was over the figure on the throne began to speak falteringly, as if it were unsure. Its voice was a soft hissing tenor whose very timbre betrayed a lifetime spent among the wet and the rot.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh, my son, my seed, my spawn. How I have missed you. I am once again gladdened that you were one of the ones I did not recycle when I first birthed you. Come closer my son. Cwickly now. Let me gaze past your Mask of Anonymity."

V for vendetta looked back at his new friends who he had become so close with over the last few hours. His mask looking uncertain and sad.

"But father, you said that if the outsiders ever saw what I truly was then they would hate me and fear me."

The figure on the throne of bones hissed a long breath through its teeth, then quietly scoffed "do you disobey your father?"

"No, no! I would never."

V for vendetta took of his mask slowly. He faced his father and did not turn towards the rest of the protagonists. From his hat and hood emerged sickle-like green quills and two pointed ears. Taking off his cloak, a long leaflike tail emerged from above his pants. The creatures in the shadows let out a collective chilling howl and the figure on the throne of bones could barely be seen smiling underneath his hood. V for vendetta turned around and faced iCarly. He was just sonic the hedgehog, but green and with pikachu ears. "My true name…" he said "is Wild Sonichu."

Aja killian was the first to speak up "but if you're Wild Sonichu, then that would make the guy you've been taking us to meet…"

The figure on the throne leaned forward with some effort. The light of freds torch falling on the rounded jaw under his hood and revealing the Cheshire cat grin of a man monsters called father. He hissed his name very quietly and drawn out for dramatic effect.

"Chrissssssssssssssssssss-channnnnnnn"

Shirc too a step back, almost to the point where he was outside the chamber. Before anyone could react he withdrew malachite dream from the forbiden backpack. His dark eyes were wild behind his glasses and he was breathing heavily. Fred made like he was going to go put a hand on Shirc's shoulder, but then he remembered that he only had one arm and the other was still holding a torch.

"SHIT." Said Shirc. "that MOTHERFUCKR is the ancient evil I was talking about."

The party of heroes might have tried to escape at that moment, but instead the next moment they all found themselves in a heap being dogpiled by electric hedgehog pokemon. Monika tried to hack her way out of the pile, but this only made the horrible beasts pile on top of her more than the rest of the team.

The iCrew was brought before the throne of the ancient evil and the great stone door was locked behind them. Their wrists were bound behind their backs with rope and their legs were knocked out from under them so that each was kneeling. "Adopt a proper pose when speaking to our father!" shouted a yellow one. Aja tried to grumble a retort, but was silenced by a backhand from another.

"You think im evil?" said chris-chan. "I do more good in a day than you have ever done. I am the servant of the dark one." Chris-chan gestured towards the clay medallion he was wearing. "This the stupidest thing on the internet. It is the sonichu medallion, and he created it as a way to distract himself from his own failures. If I am here, he does not have to be the worst writer on the internet, and so he doesn't have to try as hard because the comparison makes him look better." (Shadowlord from Neir started playing over the speakers.)

"Once, a dark god walked among the people of the outside world. His name was Cole. He longed to create, and delighted in the creations of others, but when it came time for him to make his own world, he thought it would be easier to piggyback on the efforts of others under the guise that he was contributing.

Other gods used their powers to craft experimental and worthwhile parts of history, but the dark god chose to close himself off. He created a rather inconsequential second in a separate dimension from the main world, and promised that what happened within it would never have any relevance to anything that was going on with the main story. The concept of the side story was a fun one for him and he thought he could make a nice tangential work to compliment what his friends were doing, but he was super easily distracted by stupid shit on the internet, and he would rather look at that than write. That is what I am. I am his divine excuse.

However, the dark god was ambitious as he was lazy, and he sought to influence others from within the safety of never doing anything of consequence. His tendrils of utterly garbage ideas wormed their way into the ears of those who would create stories of actual substance, and he felt included even though he was contributing jack shit. You, iCarly, a creature from inside this bubble, were tied irrevocably to the main story, and you brought people from the main story into our side one. Your blood relation to Negan from rugrats: crusade of the crimson rosebush (see rugrats: crusade of the crimson rosebush) meant that you have to be an important character even if you are shittily written, and so you have the power to steal people from that world and place them into another."

Aja killian started to speak "you can't mean-

"Yes!" Shouted Chris-chan "that woman kneeling on the floor next to you did not create the internosphere for our safety. She sold her soul so some guy could be lazy."

iCarly looked stunned. She had lost her memories when the nostalgia critic remembered them so she wouldn't have to, but she thought they just contained a dramatic backstory. She never would have guessed that she was so poorly conceived as a main character.

"ALL HAIL THE COMMANDMENTS OF GOD." Shouted chris chan. The sonichus all stood at attention and shouted in unison.

"THOU SHALT SERVE AS A DISTRACTION FROM OUR GODS INADEQUECY. THOU SHALT INSERT YOURSELF INTO SITUATIONS WHERE YOU WILL GAIN SOME SEMBLENCE OF STORY RELEVENCE IN A BETTER WORK. THOU SHALT ACT SUPER DRAMATIC SO THAT GOD CAN SAY HE WROTE SOMETHING IMPRESSIVE AND FUNNY WHEN HE ACTUALLY HAS ZERO PLAN OR WORK ETHIC-" The chant of the sonichus was deafening. As it continued on iCarly's ears began to bleed and it was really dramatic and cool you guys I swear please validate me. In the background Shirc annegel was repeatedly slamming his face into the ground.

"No! I have an actual point in being here I swear! I have a dramatic backstory, iJust can't remember it right now!" she continued her protests at the top of her lungs, but nothing could sway the zealotry of the electric hedgehog pokemon. Suddenly the chant stopped as a massive THUD echoed through the room. Chris-chan had stood up from his chair and was looking in horror at something behind iCarly. "What the fuck?"

The door to 4chan shuddered once and then again as the thuds continued the doors bent inward, and with one final massive thud they flew off their hinges entirely. One of the doors flew through bubbles rosechu and cut her entirely in half. She fucking died.

A skinwalker had bashed in the door to 4chan. The skin of David wong fluttered dramatically in the breeze and the torchlight from freds ass torch glinted in the mysterious mans eyes. He would have been in prime position to deliver a catch phrase if he were the protagonist of this story.

Shirc Annegel bashed his face into the ground one last time and his FORBIDEN BACKPACK full of A BUNCH OF SHIT was jostled open from the force. several red stones the size of a baseballs rolled out of the pack and Gibby the skinwalker calmly walked over and picked one up. Shirc smirked.

"gibbay" Gibby whispered.

"KILL HIM!" shrieked chris-chan and all of the sonichus started bristling and foaming at the mouth. They jumped at gibby from every angle, and the video even went into slow motion so that it could really hammer home how fucked gibby was, but instead gibby just smirked. With a motion that as fast as shit even in the slow motion, gibby swirled dragon's tooth from dark souls around in a circle and smashed every soniuchu away.

Gibby started walking slowly towards the throne of bones, dragging dragon's tooth behind himself. "Let me tell you all something" he said. "A good story means something. A protagonist should always have something to strive for. That's why someone would read something. You can't just carry a story on edgy imagery and memes." Gibby slung his giant tooth club forward and pointed it at Chris-chan menacingly. "A hero has villains to overcome that represent problems in the world or in human nature. If we don't actually matter, if we have nothing of substance to say, why can't we make a story about that?" He struck another dramatic pose. "I say this girl here does have relevance, even outside of her relationship to her father" gibby smiled bigger "and im going to struggle to prove it."

"but that's-" started chris-chan.

"something a protagonist would do." Said Shirc Annegel. He was grinning even with blood running down his face. "I was keeping these to myself so that someone like you wouldn't get your hands on one of them, but now I see that if this story has a hero, that hero could defeat ancient evils like you!" Shirc bent his head down and picked up a red stone between his teeth. Immediately white feathered wings erupted from his back and snapped the rope binding on his wrists.

Shirc quickly flew over next to Gibby and drew malachite dream, then he snapped it in half over his knee. Gibby cocked an eyebrow. Shirc shrugged, raised the broken sword, and said "I thought it would be a good idea to differentiate myself visually."

Gibby looked to the ring of sonichus struggling to their feet and smiled. "lets do this, partner" He said, and then they both lept into action. The electric hedgehogs all shot lightning, but gibby's bone club didn't conduct electricity so he batted all the bolts of lightning aside easily. Shirc didn't fare as well against the bolts because of his metal weapon, but his newfound purpose gave him the strength of will to endure the pain of being electrocuted.

Chris chan threw his cloak to the side revealing his blue and red striped shirt. "You both think you're so clever, but let me tell you something. A quest for the story to have a point isn't an actual point to the story. This is supposed to be a bad fanfiction, and as gods model for what bad fiction should look like, I have more power than you could possibly imagine. If you kill me, this place loses its original purpose as a stupid joke, and your stories will end. Ambiguity and pointlessness are what keep us alive even if the story stops getting new chapters." Chris chan reached into one of the previous stories and pulled one of the question marks off of the to be continued at the end. Then he grabbed his sonichu medallion and turned into a blue verson of sonichu. He was now CHRIS-CHAN SONICHU. "Behold my p-

Chris-chan sonichu couldn't finish the last line of his evil monologue because he got hit in the face by a giant tooth and then he got hit in the face by the wall the giant tooth had knocked his face into. While he had been talking Shirc and Gibby had killed all of the sonichus except for wild sonichu.

"Be careful using pointlessness as a weapon. It means nobody will care if you lose." Said Gibby. Then Gibby snapped Chris-chan's fucking neck.

And nobody cared

So, he died.

Gibby stepped over the broken carcass of Chris-chan to stand over the bound and kneeling iCarly. He raised his greatclun over his head and she flinched away as he brought it down with a gruesome crunch.

iCarly opened her eyes. Her bat, Fatherly love, was cracked into pieces revealing a purple crystal that had been imbedded into it.

"what is that? How did that get into my bat?"

"That's an antajewel" said gibby. "your brother hid one inside of your father's bat in the hopes that it would one day kill him. Those who are in possession of one gain incredible power, but it is ensured that they will bring about their own ruin. They're also called the devils bargain." Gibby picked up the stone between his thumb and forefinger, keeping it away from himself. "Since spencer was such a dedicated sculptor, he put one in the replica of your father's bat as well." Gibby bent down and untied the ropes binding iCarly's hands. He took her newly freed hand and helped her to her feet.

"I don't understand, what does this mean?" iCarly asked.

"It doesn't." said gibby, "but it could mean something…" iCarly looked down at her hand at the fist sized red crystal that had been left there.

All this time, iCarly had wondered why exactly she was the main character of the story. Everyone seemed really impressed with her all the time, but she didn't consider that she had any sort of destiny beyond her fight with freddywraith. "what are we supposed to do about the fact that we all know the future? After all this story is on the internet and so are we."

"I'll let you in on a secret." Said Gibby. "If the dark one is so incompetent, why should you think he has the story all planned out for us?"

"… you're right. I've seen the narrative change before…" iCarly looked over her shoulder at aja, monika, and fred who were all being untied by wild sonichu. "our future is not set in stone! The dark one doesn't have a concrete plan for the ending!"

"did I just hear some SHITGIBBLET talking about god on MY internet! I'll have you know if you watched enough rick and morty you would _know_ gods not real!"

ENTER: RICHARD DAWKINS

To be concluded: NEX CHAPTER


End file.
